And again...

Life with diabetes often feels like a washing machine going down a roller coaster, akin to my inexperienced perception of a 4-D roller coaster. You do the same things day in and day out but each day is a little smoother or rougher depending on where you're sitting and what the track is throwing at you next. I'm not excited for the next loop.

Next week, I have an endo appointment. The dread is starting to loom, and as always, there are two tracks playing in my brain. One says, "Stop stressing. These appointments aren't that big of a deal. She loves you. You're her favorite patient." Meanwhile, the negative nancy track is moaning, "Why haven't you been doing a better job? I've seen those spikes. Your HbA1c is going to be outrageous. Get ready to be ridiculed and torn apart for 30 minutes."

I'm pretty reasonable. I know the truth lies somewhere between these two, and realistically close to the former than the latter. But. I. am. tired. I'm a little burnt out with the rest of the roller coaster: grad school, injuries*, family issues, social demands, etc. Diabetes and other self care hasn't been high on the priority list. Should it be? Probably. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. Mentally stressing about it isn't doing me any good.

*I hurt my thumb. No, I'm not sure how. Yes, it's been a while  ~ 2 months. No, I don't think it's getting better. Yes, I did see a doctor. Resting your dominant hand sucks. I could rant about this for days, but it's not the point of this post.*

Not Coordinated or Together (or a Good Example)

I don't pretend to be a good example. Or a maker of good decisions.

Most days, I carry around a massive black backpack. One filled with my laptop and folders for school and all the fun diabetes supplies I carry around. In addition to my little tupperware case of medical swag and glucometer, you can usually find a big bottle of glucose tabs, Clif bars, a Nalgene water bottle, and an emergency Diet Coke can (because you never know when you'll need caffeine).

For a variety of reasons, I've been experimenting with downsizing. Instead of bringing my laptop with me (which is the main reason for the humongous backpack), I managed to bring two folders, my d-tupperware, a snack, a tube of glucose tabs, my tester, and my water bottle on the very first day of classes this semester. But I've been going back and forth between my big black backpack and my slim blue tote.

Monday was a crazy (read: super unprepared) mad rush to school. I *almost* forgot about my weekly seminar. I stuck my folders in my tote with my tester, d-case, and a fast snack, and then, I dashed to my car. As soon as I pulled out my notebook during the seminar, I realized I forgot a pen (not a girl scout without my big prepared bad with 9 of everything). No biggie. Just borrowed one from a friend. During my 20 minute break between the two classes, I quickly ran up to the lab to straighten out a meeting I had missed cause of the seminar. Checked Eggster to see a nice flat line around 90. No worries...

Until the ominous triple buzz set in 5 minutes into my second class. And Eggy says? 64 mg/dl. No prob. Just need some sugar. But since I grabbed the slim tote, no sugar in site. Just mozerella sticks and carrots. Instead of saying something or just taking a few minutes to hunt down some sugar, I sat there. I suspended my pump. Devoured those cheese sticks as discretely as I could. Kept pressing the button on my Eggy to prevent the LOW screeching. As soon as class was over, I ran to my car an chomped down on four glucose tabs...

But I had to hurry for my first gym class of the semester (or ever...). My roommates and I signed up for this flexible exercise series at the school gym. I want more structure (read: an external motivator) in my sweatabetes. And I'm always willing to try something new. So I needed to dart to the gym for my very first Zumba class. Still low though. And it's raining. But I'm very functional. The gym is only a 1 minute away by car. 10 minutes later. Still low. More glucose tabs. Run in and change. Still low. Find the room. Only at 68 according to Eggy. But I'm exercising anyway.

I know it's not healthy. But I wasn't doing this for my diabetes. I was doing this for me. Because if I skipped number 1, I'd skip the next one. And the next one. I don't want to sit on the sidelines. And a little low isn't going to stop me. At some point the glucose tabs kicked in. My pump was still on suspend and I turned it back on once I was past 100 mg/dl. I peaked at 130 and then slowly came down with the exercise. The rest of the night was filled with little glasses of juice. But I survived.

I spent over an hour in a hypoglycemic state (under 70 mg/dl according to Eggy) and an hour in in severe hypoglycemic state (under 55 mg/dl according to Eggy). And I'm lucky nothing happened. But now, I'm taping a tube of glucose tabs into every bag I own for next time.

(By the by, I'm not coordinated. But I survived Zumba. Kept up pretty well and only screwed up a fourth of the moves...I think. Someone needs to teach me how to pick up my feet instead of planting them. Oh and need new sneakers. STAT! The only thing that hurt when I was done was my ego and my feet.)

To test, or not to test...

DSMA Blog Carnival Question: What types of decisions and frequency of diabetes related decisions do you make in any given day?

My man, Shakespeare (or Hamlet), had the question phrased right even though he missed my topic. There are so many questions that role around in our minds all day long. Especially as a diabetic, the questions seem like they never end. I don't think that it's ever "noble" to choose laziness or indecision over responsibility or action but I can't say that I always represent myself as Queen of my diabetes...

I had a professor in my Freshman year of college tell me that computers are dumb machines. You tell it what to do and that's exactly what it does. So if it's malfunctioning, there's a good chance the problem lies between the keyboard and the chair (aka you told it something other than what you meant to). Whenever I think of decisions, I think of that little snippet of wisdom.

Making diabetes decisions isn't as nearly as easy as writing a computer program (okay, that's pretty difficult sometimes). I can't say if this crazy number appears, then I need exactly this much insulin to fix it (even though I wish I could). I constantly have to keep track of all these extra variables (sleeping, eating, exercising, etc) and my simple little if-statement blows out of proportion with extra clauses. If I ate, did I eat more protein, more carbs, or more vegetables? If I bolus, did I account for how long it takes my body to break down an apple versus pizza? Did I remember to subtract some for all the extra exercising I'm planning? Is it enough aerobic exercise or is it anaerobic and am I going to need more or less insulin? AND how do all of the answers to these gigantic questions come together?

The toughest decision I make is the one I run into most often. Should I test my blood sugar? Do I ever really want to test? NO. It's really that simple. But without knowing that little piece of info, it's like wandering around in the dark without knowing anything about where I am. Yes, sometimes I'll treat based on what my Dexcom (aka my blood sugar etch-a-sketch) says, buzzes, or screams at me. I don't feel good about it, but gosh darn it, it's a whoooooooole lot easier. I wake up every morning struggling with that decision. It plagues me at lunch when I realize I left my tester at my desk or in my car, and I really don't want to go wait any longer to eat. It nags me at night when I haven't checked, but I'm already tucked into bed. The way I understand it (and explain to everyone else too), I'm SUPPOSED to test:

• Whenever I wake up (yes it can happen more than once if I nap) [Let's guess once for this example]
• Whenever I go to bed
• Before I eat (Between 3 and 6 times a day) [That's why eating 6 meals in CRAZZZY but good for you nonetheless]
• 2 hours after I eat (Between 3 and 6 times a day) [post-prandial test. I despise them]
• Before I exercise
• After I exercise
• Before I drive my car
• Anytime in between when I feel "off"

So for anyone keeping track, that's a minimum of 10 times and a maximum of 16 times I "should" test everyday assuming I don't feel low or high all day long and don't drive. If I sleep for 8 hours, that means I’m testing about once an hour if I divide that maximum number up evenly. Do I ever test that often? Sometimes. Everyday? I'd lose my mind. Usually it's between 4 to 7 times a day that I stab my cute little fingers. I really can't stand doing post-prandials unless it's in preparation for a snack or I feel off.

For brevity, I won't talk about the decisions revolving around food or actually bolusing insulin. They occur way more than 3-6 times a day (somedays it feels like I’m hungry every second of the day). I won’t talk about the decisions I make in fear of low blood sugars (like drinking an extra swig of juice), high blood sugars (why, yes I’ll treat those double up arrows even though I know my continuous glucose monitor will be nose diving in ten minutes), and glucose roller coasters (how long can I go, eating nothing but vegetables and drinking nothing but water?). AND we really won't discuss my aversion to changing my infusion sites or sensors (REALLY REALLY hate it) and the decisions that those devices add to the situation (yes, I should put those extra supplies in my bag even if I'm going out on the town).

What makes diabetes really overwhelming is that I can't pass some of those decisions along to someone else (like when I tell my roomies to decide what our plans are for the evening). These silly diabetes decisions stick to me like glue. And when I decide to do nothing or be lazy, I end up paying the price with a hyperglycemic-hangover or a hypoglycemic-slump.

If I could build a little decision making diabetes robot or some sort of awesome diabetes-centered Magic-8 ball, then I would in a heartbeat. I'd save my decision making power for more important life and fun decisions. I'd instantly forget about how many silly Diabetes decisions I have to make every moment of every day and instead, spend more time deciding how big my smile should be or the minimum amount of sunshine I need to soak in a day to appropriately fuel that grin.

This post is my October entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival. If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at http://diabetessocmed.com/2011/october-dsma-blog-carnival/

Energy & Guilt

Will someone please explain to me why I wanna run rampant when my blood sugar is way out of whack and want to sit on the couch like a bump on a log when it's in-range?

So my struggle to eat healthier at home was made a little worse because I'm staying with my grandparents for a few weeks while my aunt's out of town. My grandma doesn't speak English at all so it makes it difficult to explain why I'm eating the way I am. All she can garner is that I want to lose some inches around my waist. However, because she's my grandma, all she ever wants to do for me is cook. Then, every night when anyone in the family calls, she tells them all about how I'm refusing to eat her cooking.

A few months ago I felt guilty for eating so much and now I feel guilty for eating so little. Despite this life being mine to live and enjoy, I like making my parents and grandparents happy. The little power struggles over eating make it hard.

So what foods do you eat that give you more energy? What are foods that are supposed to give you energy and don't? Any healthy happy mood foods?